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Rotary Club of Wangaratta.
14th October 2011
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it he said he could stop at any time -Rotary Club of Rosanna
12th October 2011
SMILE . The engineers that built the Safety Fence on the Westgate Bridge did TOO good a job. Collingwood fans were 15 deep on Saturday night but none could get over it !!!!!!!!!!!
11th October 2011
Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.
"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replied.
"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nodded.
"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"
She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.
Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.
The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.
The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.
By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.
She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"
Two workers entered the same pub, pulled their stools up to the bar and opened their cut lunches.
Judge to habitual defendant: "Is this the first time you have been up before me?"
Harry mumbled a few words in church and found himself married. A few years later he mumbled a few words in his sleep and found himself divorced.
It was so cold the other day that the local flasher was seen describing himself to a woman.
You're getting old when the only thing you don't want for your birthday is to be reminded of it.
Rotary Club of Nathalia Bulletin
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
A Collingwood Story.
A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"$2 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for $2. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass Collingwood fan?
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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