A blonde signs up for research project testing "smart" pills. Amazingly, the pills work and the blonde becomes smarter, so she dyes her hair and becomes a brunette. One day, she is out driving in the country and spots a farmer in his field with his sheep. She decides to test out her new-found smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer. She says, "If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in your field, can I have a sheep?" The farmer thinks a moment and says, "Sure." He is thinking that she could never guess correctly, so it is a pretty safe bet. She says, "578." The farmer says, "Wow, that is correct. I guess you can pick out your sheep." So, the blonde picks out a sheep and puts it in the trunk of her car. The farmer says, "Wait. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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One of my friends was dating a blonde girl that wasn't too bright to say the least. Often she would come up with the most stupid comments that at first got us all laughing, but after a while also became a bit annoying to some. One day we were sitting in a pool hall talking. The blonde participated in the discussion, and when she came up with an, even for her, unusually stupid comment one of my friends couldn't take it anymore. So he said to her "You must have vacuum in your head". This upset her. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and replied, "At least it's better than nothing".
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A blonde and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde said you're on. Sure enough the man jumped so the blond starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "that's ok, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night. The blonde said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump twice in a row!!
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

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The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

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Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"
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A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
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Having lost her donkey a blonde, got down to her knees and started thanking God. A passer-by saw her and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The blonde replied "I am thanking him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

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A blonde was filling up an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column SEX.

She was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought she wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application form, she was told that it was wrong and what they wanted filled was either MALE or FEMALE.

Again she thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY MALES.

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Blonde Kidnapping..... A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

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She was so blond that. . .

" she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
" she thought a quarterback was a refund.
" she tripped over a cordless phone.
" she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
" she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
" she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
" they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
" she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
" at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius."
" if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
" when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

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Two blondes are remodelling a house; one is putting in new windows and the other is putting on a new shingle roof. The blonde putting on the new roof takes a nail out of her apron and hammers is into the roof, but every other nail that comes out her apron she throws over her shoulder to the ground below. Seeing the nails falling from the roof, the blonde putting in the windows calls up to the other and asks what's wrong with the nails. The blonde on the roof replies that some of the nails are backwards and that's why she's throwing them to the ground below. "Silly," replies the blonde putting in the windows. "Those are for the other side of the roof."

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Guy tells his wife he's going to play 18 holes of golf one Saturday afternoon. She gets mad at him for always wasting time on the golf course every weekend. He leaves the house with his wife still nagging him. On the first hole there is a beautiful blond playing by herself. She asks him to play as a twosome. He agrees. After nine holes she tells him she's hot and thirsty and invites him to her condo right off the ninth green. They go over to her place and after a couple of beers she starts coming on to him and they end up making love for several hours and fall to sleep. He finally wakes up and sees that it is after dark. In panic he puts on his clothes and leaves for home. Frantic, he tries to think up a plausible lie to tell his wife why he's so late. He finally decides that 'honesty is the best policy' and opts to tell her the truth! He walks in the house and she's in a fury : "Where the heck have you been?" Golfer : "Well, honey, I met this blond on the first hole and one thing led to another and we ended up making love and I fell asleep over at her place." Wife : "You liar!!!! You played 36 holes didn't you!!!!!"

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A blonde called Carol bought herself a jigsaw puzzle, took it home and worked on it day and night. After six months of hard work, she finally finished putting the puzzle together. Carol was so proud of what she had accomplished that she ran down to the neighbourhood bar that she frequented. The bartender saw her walk in and asked where she had been over the past months. Carol exclaimed, "I've been working day and night on a jigsaw puzzle for the last six months and I've finally finished it! I think that deserves a drink!" The bartender gave her a strange look and said, "You mean it took you six months to put a jigsaw puzzle together and you are actually proud of that!" Carol replied, "Of course I'm proud of that! The box said two to four years!"
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A blonde found a burglar under her bed. Calling the police, she insisted that they send somebody over in the morning!
A blonde tried to sell her old car, but was having problems getting rid of it because the vehicle had been driven 250,000 miles.
She discussed her problem with a brunette co worker at the Salon Shop. The brunette mentioned that she knows of a procedure to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal to do so.
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can just sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then you should be able to unload the car."
The following weekend, the blonde went to see the co worker's mechanic to have the work done.
Several weeks went by before the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
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A Blond went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun between by breasts and I thought I just paid $10,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

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Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed with her?
To see how long she slept.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front"

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"OH, LOOK !! Donut seeds!!

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied,"There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can't spell Mercedes.

What does a blonde answer to "Are you sexually active?"
No, I just lie there.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do blondes and cow pats have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
She goes home.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.

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If there is a dumb blonde, a lawyer blonde and a doctor blonde in the same room and a $100 dollar note was tossed in the middle of the room - Who would get the $100 note?
The dumb blonde - the others are all myths.

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How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a packet of M & Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Thirteen - one to mix the batter and 12 to peel the Smarties.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.

Why can't you give a blonde more than 10 minutes for her lunch?
If you do, you will have to retrain her.

A blonde and a brunette are walking down a street, the brunette says "Look, a dead bird". The blonde looks up and says "Where".

What do you call five blondes sitting in a circle?
A dope ring.

What do an intelligent blonde and BIG FOOT have in common?
Nobody has ever seen either.

What does a blonde call brown hair dye?
Artificial intelligence.

How do you make a blondes' eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ears.

What is the mating call of a blonde?
Gee, I'm so drunk.

How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
There is 'white-out' on the screen.

Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

Why do blondes have fur around the hem of their dresses?
To keep their ankles warm.

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. around the hem of their dresses?
So that they know toes go in first.

What do you call ten blondes in a line, standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

If a blonde and a brunette both jump off a tall building at the same time, who would land first?
The brunette - The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

If there were a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in a room and a $100 bill was tossed into the centre of the room, who would get the $100 bill?
The dumb blonde because the other three are figments of your imagination.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
They can't get their head into the jar.

What do blondes say after sex?
"Who were those guys?"

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Blonde and Snow
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero then the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plough went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plough when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted ...but he was done with the Woolworth parking lot and was goin gover to K-Mart next.

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level..

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman/woman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"Oh by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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A sweet young thing is taking her first airplane ride. As the plane gains altitude, she complains to the flight attendant that her ears are popping.

The flight attendant gives her some chewing gum and assures her that many people experience the same discomfort.

When they land, the sweet young thing thanks the flight attendant.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she says, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

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A Scoutmaster is sick the weekend the boys are to take a long-anticipated camping trip, so his wife volunteers to take over for him.

She gets all the boys together and assigns each one a different duty. One is responsible for the food supplies, another is to be the cook, another is responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, and another is to decide on their events. The Scoutmaster's wife says she will test all their equipment before setting out.

By the time they arrive at the campsite it's dinner time, so the wife tells the cook he ought to get busy and prepare the meal.

About 10 minutes later he comes back.

"I can't make the supper," he says. "I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

"I don't understand," she says. "Those matches should be perfectly fine.

"I tested them all just before we left."

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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures-the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one blonde turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length.

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

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A woman becomes ill at home, and her husband calls an ambulance. The operator says she'll send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" the operator asks.

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," says the anxious husband.

"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asks.

There is a long pause. Finally the man says, "How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"

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Mathematics Test
The owner of a Golf Course was confused about paying an invoice. So he asked his blonde Secretary for some mathematical help.
He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?".
She replied, "Everything but my contact lenses."

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A Romantic Story

Boudreaux walked out to the dock, only to find a beautiful blonde woman standing there, crying. He said, "Mais cher, what's wrong?"

She said, "I don't have anything to live for, I'm gonna throw myself into the water and kill myself."

Boudreaux said, "Oh, don't do dat, you're a beautiful woman, you have plenty to live for. Tell you what, I'm gettin' ready to get on dis boat and go to Europe, I'll sneak you on and I will take care of you, and we can be happy together." So Boudreaux snuck his stowaway on board, and hid her in a life boat, and for weeks, everyday he would bring her 3 square meals, making sure she was taken care of, and every night he would slip into the lifeboat with her and they would make passionate love.

One day, the captain discovered the woman, and asked her what she was doing there.

She said, "One of your crew members, a wonderful man, has been taking care of me, feeding me, and making love to me, and he's taking me to Europe with him on this boat."

The Captain said, "Cher, I'm sorry to tell you, but this is the Tasmanian ferry."

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A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

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Blind man enters a "Women Only Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Two Blondes in Heaven

Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's the date today?" asks a blonde.

"I don't know. You've got a newspaper in your hands...why don't you look at it?"

"That wouldn't do any good, it's yesterday's paper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find an "11" on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. After losing in a breaststroke -----swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BLONDE MILLIONAIRE

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left.
The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Eddie: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Eddie: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Eddie: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Eddie: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"
A young brunette goes into the doctors office and reports that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor, "Show me what you mean".
She pushes her elbow with her finger and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes her ankle and screams. This goes on until she has pushed every part of her body making her scream wherever she touches it.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you ?.
"No, I'm actually a blonde", the girl replies.
"I thought so", says the doctor, "Your finger is broken".

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BLONDE EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

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OVERWEIGHT BLONDE

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

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RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo- hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

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KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me o show it to you!"

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THE VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. ! Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

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Replacement windows:

Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go round and round.

I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!

I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; "That in one year they would pay for themselves!"

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Subject: Blond Cook Book

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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A blonde called emergency on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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When she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officers says the bank will needs some kind of security for the loan, so she hands over her keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and all its officers enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, ....Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out nicely, but we are puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The blonde replies....Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for on $15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back?....

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ASTROLOGY

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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A blonde's year in review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open..

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

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A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows

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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.....

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Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking....(at night)

And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"

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CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

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BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"!!!!!!!!

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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

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Another Blonde moment......................

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?' asked the blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?

The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"

The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the blonde entered Heaven...

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Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
So Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today.
You must park ........" Then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on, so the snowplough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

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KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We are going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

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Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast ?

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

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Best blonde joke you'll ever read!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ''What does it look like?'' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ''It's square, and it has your picture on it.''

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ''Here it is,'' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the supermarket's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

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There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a blonde woman on board. The control centre is the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... "I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."

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A blonde began a job as a school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Ok," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."
Labels: funny blonde jokes, funny school jokes
Blonde's Car and Hailstorm Joke
A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over, she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.
The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.
She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."

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A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

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A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

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A blonde is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing.
The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets.
Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That's so stupid! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

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28 Days Blonde Joke
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waiter goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

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A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

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Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

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A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

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A blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones. The stylist said, "You need to remove your headphones or I can't cut your hair."
The blonde replied, "No. I can't! I'll just die without them!"
So the stylist agreed and trimmed the ends of the blonde's hair until she fell asleep. The stylist thought to herself, "I'll just take these off her to cut the rest of her hair. She won't even notice." So the stylist did it.
A few minutes later the blonde fell out of the chair dead!
Surprised, the stylist said, "I wonder what could have possibly killed her? Maybe it had something to do with the headphones after all."
So the stylist took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head to see what was playing. On the headphones a voice repeated, "Breathe in, breathe out."

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A BURLY fellow was having his hair styled at a hair salon when, outside, a truck slammed into a car. Draped in plastic, his hair sectioned off with aluminum clips, the customer raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt. The truck driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. The customer lost no time in applying his recently learned CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The trucker came to several times, but kept passing out again. Soon the paramedics arrived and took over, and the customer returned to his salon chair. "I just don't understand why he kept passing out," he said to the hairdresser. "I did everything they taught me." "Well, put yourself in the truck driver's place," said the hairdresser. "He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too!"

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