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|Jokes about Blondes|
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A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning, in a very haughty manner, that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:
Not one hand went up.! So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
Rotary Club of Seymour
A blonde signs up for research project testing "smart" pills. Amazingly, the pills work and the blonde becomes smarter, so she dyes her hair and becomes a brunette. One day, she is out driving in the country and spots a farmer in his field with his sheep. She decides to test out her new-found smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer. She says, "If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in your field, can I have a sheep?" The farmer thinks a moment and says, "Sure." He is thinking that she could never guess correctly, so it is a pretty safe bet. She says, "578." The farmer says, "Wow, that is correct. I guess you can pick out your sheep." So, the blonde picks out a sheep and puts it in the trunk of her car. The farmer says, "Wait. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
A blonde was filling up an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column SEX.
She was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought she wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application form, she was told that it was wrong and what they wanted filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again she thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY MALES.
" she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed with her?
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
What's the definition of eternity?
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front"
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,"There certainly is!"
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
What does a blonde answer to "Are you sexually active?"
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
What do blondes and cow pats have in common?
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
If there is a dumb blonde, a lawyer blonde and a doctor blonde in the same room and a $100 dollar note was tossed in the middle of the room - Who would get the $100 note?
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
Why can't you give a blonde more than 10 minutes for her lunch?
A blonde and a brunette are walking down a street, the brunette says "Look, a dead bird". The blonde looks up and says "Where".
What do you call five blondes sitting in a circle?
What do an intelligent blonde and BIG FOOT have in common?
What does a blonde call brown hair dye?
How do you make a blondes' eyes light up?
What is the mating call of a blonde?
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
Why do blondes wear panties?
Why do blondes have fur around the hem of their dresses?
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. around the hem of their dresses?
What do you call ten blondes in a line, standing ear to ear?
If a blonde and a brunette both jump off a tall building at the same time, who would land first?
If there were a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in a room and a $100 bill was tossed into the centre of the room, who would get the $100 bill?
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
What do blondes say after sex?
Blonde and Snow
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"Oh by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A sweet young thing is taking her first airplane ride. As the plane gains altitude, she complains to the flight attendant that her ears are popping.
The flight attendant gives her some chewing gum and assures her that many people experience the same discomfort.
When they land, the sweet young thing thanks the flight attendant.
"The chewing gum worked fine," she says, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
A Scoutmaster is sick the weekend the boys are to take a long-anticipated camping trip, so his wife volunteers to take over for him.
She gets all the boys together and assigns each one a different duty. One is responsible for the food supplies, another is to be the cook, another is responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, and another is to decide on their events. The Scoutmaster's wife says she will test all their equipment before setting out.
By the time they arrive at the campsite it's dinner time, so the wife tells the cook he ought to get busy and prepare the meal.
About 10 minutes later he comes back.
"I can't make the supper," he says. "I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
"I don't understand," she says. "Those matches should be perfectly fine.
"I tested them all just before we left."
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures-the whole thing is just a mess.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
"Where do you live?" the operator asks.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," says the anxious husband.
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asks.
There is a long pause. Finally the man says, "How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"
A Romantic Story
Boudreaux walked out to the dock, only to find a beautiful blonde woman standing there, crying. He said, "Mais cher, what's wrong?"
She said, "I don't have anything to live for, I'm gonna throw myself into the water and kill myself."
Boudreaux said, "Oh, don't do dat, you're a beautiful woman, you have plenty to live for. Tell you what, I'm gettin' ready to get on dis boat and go to Europe, I'll sneak you on and I will take care of you, and we can be happy together." So Boudreaux snuck his stowaway on board, and hid her in a life boat, and for weeks, everyday he would bring her 3 square meals, making sure she was taken care of, and every night he would slip into the lifeboat with her and they would make passionate love.
One day, the captain discovered the woman, and asked her what she was doing there.
She said, "One of your crew members, a wonderful man, has been taking care of me, feeding me, and making love to me, and he's taking me to Europe with him on this boat."
The Captain said, "Cher, I'm sorry to tell you, but this is the Tasmanian ferry."
A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Blind man enters a "Women Only Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.
"I don't know. You've got a newspaper in your hands...why don't you look at it?"
"That wouldn't do any good, it's yesterday's paper."
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find an "11" on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke -----swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left.
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Eddie: "Are you confident?"
Eddie: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo- hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me o show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. ! Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go round and round.
I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!
I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; "That in one year they would pay for themselves!"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A blonde called emergency on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
The bank's president and all its officers enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, ....Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out nicely, but we are puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies....Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for on $15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back?....
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open..
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking....(at night)
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"!!!!!!!!
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
Another Blonde moment......................
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?' asked the blonde.
"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"
The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"
"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We are going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Two chimps and a Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast ?
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.
Best blonde joke you'll ever read!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ''What does it look like?'' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ''It's square, and it has your picture on it.''
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ''Here it is,'' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a blonde woman on board. The control centre is the US calls:
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
A blonde is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing.
28 Days Blonde Joke
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
A BURLY fellow was having his hair styled at a hair salon when, outside, a truck slammed into a car. Draped in plastic, his hair sectioned off with aluminum clips, the customer raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt. The truck driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. The customer lost no time in applying his recently learned CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The trucker came to several times, but kept passing out again. Soon the paramedics arrived and took over, and the customer returned to his salon chair. "I just don't understand why he kept passing out," he said to the hairdresser. "I did everything they taught me." "Well, put yourself in the truck driver's place," said the hairdresser. "He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too!"
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