At the Dublin Mortuary
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won $50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'

The Rotary Club of Seymour "Seymour Smatterings" 31st December 2012

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rotary Club of Alexandra 29th December 2012

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a note. "Here's the $20 I owe you.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

" Keep your words soft and sweet...you never know when you may have to eat them.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
"That happens in every country, son."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

What is a man's idea of helping to make the bed?
Getting out of it.

Rotary Club of Nathalia 21st December 2012

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Do you realize what I am?

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Rotary Club of Numurkah 18th December 2012

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" screams the son.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Frantically the son calls his sister, who explodes, "No way they're getting divorced. Leave this to me!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling brother back, and we'll both be up there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way!"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Overheard John talking to Pete.

"As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with friends, had a few too many beers and topped it off with a margarita - not a good idea!

Knowing I was well over my limit I did something I'd never done before -I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and I don't know where I got it."

Rotary Club of Bundoora 18th December 2102

Have a Laugh

Paddy met Mick in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said, 'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them.

I wasn't home yesterday.'

Rotary Club of Albury Hume 17th December 2012

A Christmas Gift A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Rotary Club of Sunbury 17th December 2012

An old woman was asked....."At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get? Parkinsons or Alzheimers ?" The wise one replied, "Definitely Parkinsons, better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle".

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Observations On Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect! ~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better! ~You forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep". ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch.. ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...... "what?"...."when?"... ??? A man was granted two wishes by God, He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever...... Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ' Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Rotary Club of Nathalia - 14th December 2012

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections"? another friend suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

A blonde who had recently learned to drive was heading through town and suddenly stopped dead and wouldn't move.

After several minutes, a nearby police officer having observed this strange activity turned his lights on and pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and calmly walked up to tap her window and waited for her to roll it down.

The woman seemed very distressed and the officer asked what was wrong.

She told him she didn't know what to do. She was going to be late, but she had studied very hard for her driver's test the previous week and knew she had to obey all road signs, so she couldn't go.

The officer stood up and looked over her car. Seeing no stop or construction signs, he felt slightly confused and told her he saw no sign stopping her from continuing. She became more upset and pointed out the right side of her car, telling the cop it was right there.

He looked again and almost laughed as he finally read, "Do Not Pass."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."

International Computer User Fellowship of Rotarians - Thursday, December 13, 2012

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Rotary Club of Seymour - December 13th 2013

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

Then he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Not a lot of people know this.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good beer or three.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

You swing right and the ball goes left.

The lowest score wins.

And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a thunderstorm, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Rotary Club of Albury North - 12th December 2012

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations.

The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6 In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year

Rotary Club of Yarrawong Mulwala - 12th December 2012

A teenager had a crush on a girl all through school, and he finally asked her to the school graduation dance and she agreed. Two weeks before the dance he went to rent a tuxe-do. When he got to the hirer he found there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway and he got his tuxedo.

A week before the graduation, he went to order a limo. When he arrived at the car rentals, he found there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway, and finally booked the limo.

On the day of the dance, he went to buy a corsage. When he reached the florist he found there was a long line. He de-cided to wait and finally bought his date a corsage.

During the evening at the graduation everything was going well. They were dancing and having a great time. The girl whispered to him asking him to get her a glass of punch. The young man looked over to the drinks table and there was no punch line.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

If, there had been three wise women visit the Christ child:

They would have:-

Asked for directions. Arrived on time.

Helped deliver the baby.

Brought practical gifts.

Cleaned the stable.

Made a casserole

And there would have been

Peace on Earth!

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Found in the South Bourke and Mornington Journal (Richmond, 1903.)

Mooks: Doctor, my wife has lockjaw.

Doctor: That's bad. I'll hurry round to see if I can relieve it.

Mooks: Oh. There's no hurry about it. Drop in the latter part of next week, if you ain't busy.
- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

MARILYN'S AND ALEX'S "THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW."

A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week.

St John was the only one of the twelve apostles to die a natural death.

Crocodiles swallow stones to help them dive deeper.

Many sailors used to wear a gold earring so that they could afford a proper burial when they died.

There are ten million bricks in the Empire State Building.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onetyone?

Why do croutons come in sealed packages? Aren't they just stale bread to start with?

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

What hair colour do they put on the driving licences of bald men?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks"?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift - that's why we call it the present.".

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o
WISDOM FROM PHYLLIS DILLER

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the footpath before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents young.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

I've been asked to say a few works about my husband Fang. How about short and cheap?

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Rotary Club of Bundoora - 12th December 2012

Christmas One-Liners

1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

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3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

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4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

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6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

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7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

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8. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

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9. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

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10. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

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11. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

Rotary Club of Seymour - December 6th 2012

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Intrigued by the complications in trying to fold road maps while seated in a Mini Minor, Ross persevered until he became a celebrated accordion player.

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"Teresa just had twins," roared Murphy angrily. "Wait till I get my hands on the other fellow."

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He is convinced women don't have a sense of humour. He asked one to his room and she said:"Don't make me laugh!"

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A wise man never laughs at his wife's old clothes.

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"What causes rain?" asked the horticultural student. "Weekends," was the unanimous answer.

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SIGNS: "Boat for sale, one owner, green in colour."

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"Out to lunch. If not back by 5, out to dinner also."

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"Prices subject to change, according to customer's attitude."

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Rotary Club of Nathalia 5th December 2012

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Rotary Club of Eoroa 6th December 2012

Kermit the frog walks into the bank and jumps up on the counter of the teller Paddy Wack.

"Can I help you Mr. Frog?" "Yes, I've had some bad luck playing pool and I need to borrow $30,000."

"Your name please Mr. Frog." "Kermit Jagger.".

Now Paddy Wack explains to the frog that for a large loan such as he wants collateral is required.

"I used to own half a pond but all I have left is a miniature pink elephant."

Paddy explains that a small elephant would never do so Kermit insists on seeing the manager.

The manager carefully peruses the application form and says to the teller. "Take the knick knack Paddy Wack. Give the frog the loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Rotary Club of Rosanna - December 5th 2012

A man and a little boy walked into a barbers shop together.
After the man received the full treatment, shave, shampoo and haircut, he placed the boy in the high chair.
"I'm going to get a green tie for the parade," he said, "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boys haircut was finished and the man still had-nt returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy has for-gotten you."
"That wasnt my daddy," re-plied the boy.
"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on son, were gon-na get a free haircut."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent man?
Bigfoot's been spotted several times.

Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because they have smelly feet.

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years.
He went to the doctor and was fitted with hearing aids that gave him almost per-fect hearing again.
When he went back for a check-up a month later, the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet," said the old man.
"I just sit around and listen to the con-versations.
I've changed my will three times."

Rotary Club of Bundoora 5th December 2012

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins......

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
It tasted unpleasant.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, '

Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,

"Land mines."

Moral of the story is BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

Rotary Club of Yarrawong Mulwala 4th December 2012

A young Afghani gets signed up by the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs Rugby League Club...

Noel Cleal flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani star in a local game of rugby. He is suitably impressed,
gets on the phone to Des Hasler, signs the boy on the spot and arranges for him to come over to Sydney.

Two weeks later The Doggies are 12 - 0 down to The Sea Eagles at home with only 20 minutes left - it's
been a hard day at the office. Hasler gives the young Afghani winger the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, playing an absolute blinder. He scores 3 tries in 20 minutes, converts all of them
himself from out wide and wins the game for Canterbury. The Belmore Oval fans are delighted, the
players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star of Rugby League.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about this first day in the NRL. "Hello
mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 12 - 0 down but I scored 3 tries - they
call it a hat-trick - and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me - I'm so happy."

"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day ...... Your father got shot in the street, your
sister and I were ambushed and assaulted - she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle
and you tell me that you were having a great time!!"

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry."

"Sorry?!!! You're sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we came to Bankstown in the first place!"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Your last name stays put.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
One mood all the time.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
No wonder men are happier.......

Rotary Club of Seymour 4th December 2012

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

A Stunning Senior Citizens Moment

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing ... and," pausing to take another drink of beer....the Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sod, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening. Don't you just love senior citizens

Rotary Club of Albury Hume December 4th 2012

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Rotary Club of Sunbury 3rd December 2012

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on the week before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing 45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own air fares."

Rotary Club of Strathmore - 3rd December 2012

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Rotary Club of Southern Mitchell 3rd December 2012

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"
he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

- o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - o

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

Rotary Club of Nathalia - 3rd Decenber 2012

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory (1932 -)

Rotary Club of Bellbridge Lake Hume - 3rd Decenber 2012

Harry and Barbara's marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighbourhood they decide to attend.

"One of the most important things in marriage" said the speaker, 'is to get to really know your spouse well. For example," continued the speaker, "How many of you know what's your wife's favourite type of flower?"

Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, "it's gold medal all-purpose flour isn't it?"

Rotary Club of Whittlesea.

3 stages of Life:
Teen Age - Has time & energy - But no Money
Working Age - Has Money & Energy - But No Time
Old Age - Has Money & Time - But No Energy

Rotary Club of Whittlesea.

Real Estate Humour...
A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office.
All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate offices. I can't stand agents."
"I see," replied the father-in-law.
"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some the paperwork."
"I hate paperwork," said the son-on-law.
"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law.
"I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don't like office and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Rotary Club of Wangaratta.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Rotary Club of Shepparton South.